| TEXAS |
[Sep. 1st, 2007|11:25 am] |
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Well, I arrived in Texas on time.... Everything is going well. And everyone is getting along. Alex got here today. I didnt realize that I would be getting here a day before him. Dad and Tracey took me out to a STEAK house for dinner, pretty funny. But I was like "what the hell" and I ate steak.. It was a ka bob with a filet mignon and a lot of different vegetables so it worked for me. I hope everyone is having a great weekend. Feels weird not being there this weekend. Strange to miss working overtime. Al that means is that I have NO life! But I'm okay with that fortunately. See yall Tuesday! |
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| Old, Fat, and Bald! |
[Jan. 29th, 2007|05:35 pm] |
So, they started me on this medicine to stop the seizures I've been having for the last 7 years. I still haven't gotten used to it yet. My mind is so slow I find I have to ask people to repeat things two or three times. The bathroom has become a second home. And despite the constant nausea, I am supposed to suffer inevitable weight gain. I find myself wondering if it is worth it to avoid these intermittent scary experiences. I find myself experiencing things I have not before. It's kind of like that skinny, pretty chick that wore a fat suit and became ugly for a day. I have found the world not to be very compassionate to people that cannot think as fast. I have become more empathetic for our customers! Lol. Anyway, I go for the tests on Friday. At first, I was just worried about the cost for these pricey tests. But now I am a little scared and find myself wondering how people would remember me. Those who pray, keep me in your prayers please.
Some funny info on Depakote
Depakote's pros and cons:Pros: Proven to be effective for wide spectra of epileptic and bipolar disorders. It's been around for so long that the long-term effects are well known and well documented. If you can get past the initial side effects and get used to a valproate medication, you don't have to worry about anything biting your ass in the long run. Cons: The side effects suck donkey dong! The valproates are amongst the harshest meds to take. Everyone hates them so much that they've given the entire class of anticonvulsants a bad name. Depakote's Typical Side Effects: The usual for anticonvulsants plus a special set for valproates: instant old age. You'll get fat, bald, tired, confused, uninterested in sex, unable to hold your liquor and everything will give you heartburn and/or the runs. For tips on how to cope with these side effects, please see our side effects page. Depakote's Not So Common Side Effects: Edema. Being more prone to respiratory infections. Getting a ringing in your ears. These may or may not happen to you don't, so don't be surprised one way or the other. Depakote's Freaky Rare Side Effects: Flesh eating virus! It was all of two cases in the whole wide world and there were extenuating circumstances, so it was in no way Depakote's fault, but the law is the law when it comes to reporting these things. No, really, Depakote (divalproex sodium) had nothing to do with it. The unfortunate people who contracted toxic epidermal necrosis (Which isn't a virus, I just like how "Flesh eating virus!" reads. Besides, only bacteria eat flesh. Flesh eating viruses don't exist, but flesh eating bacteria do.) were probably doomed to get it anyway, and they just happened to be taking Depakote as well. Also breast enlargement (some people will complain about anything), irreversible deafness (ouch!) and bone pain. I told you you'd get instantly old. |
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| Matthew 16:24-25 |
[Sep. 26th, 2006|02:31 pm] |
"Then Jesus said to his disciples: If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life, shall lose it: and he that shall lose his life for my sake, shall find it."
Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you
There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way
Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd die* for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you |
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| Quarters |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|01:58 pm] |
You know...when I first made the decision to move out on my own. It was very scary. I had lived by myself before but always with some kind of safety net. It became a fear of mine that I wouldn't even have the quarters to be able to afford to do laundry. So, I started praying for God to just quiet my fears.
Well, this father of mine has a wonderful way. I began finding quarters everywhere I turned...everywhere I looked. It got kind of crazy and funny. At the pinnacle of this time, my mom and I burst out laughing in church because that particular morning I was more downtrodden than usual only to find the side pocket of my purse full of quarters! Slowly, my fears began to dissipate.
Well, you know us, stubborn and stupid. I began to worry again recently. I went on a run to ease some of the burden because my runs are always my time with God. I ran to that same dugout. Listening to some music, I sat on the bench and looked at the field I had played on when I was 10 and thought about the time where my greatest stressor was whether I would strike out. And there I was worrying about striking out in life. I stood up and put my hands on the dusty shelf that was over my head. As I leaned toward the shelf, I tilted my head and my hands shifted. I felt something cold and smooth under my fingertips. I pulled my fingers away from the dusty shelf, grasping the quarter.
I felt an overwhelming sensation to leave the quarter on a bench close to my apartment. But the entire walk home I held that quarter just loving the feel of it in my hand. The reminder that I will be taken care of. That there is nothing to fear. As I left the quarter, I looked one last time, and I couldn't take my eyes off the line "In God We Trust".
And I do. |
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| walls come down |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|09:37 am] |
Thought these walls would keep me safe
Safe from falling, feeling;
safe from meeting someone like you
But you take the bricks down one by one
The wall to my heart that's been up for so long
I can't lock you out when you hold the key
I can't hide from you when you see through me
When all you are is all I need
I can't deny you my heart's entry
With each passing day,
Another brick falls away
With you, I unravel
I come undone
We come into each other until we're one
You're part of me now and I'm part of you
Lover, I can't make it without you |
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| I Turn to You |
[Jun. 29th, 2006|05:58 pm] |
 These walls are closing in Heartache, my disease Desperate, Alone I fall to my knees I turn to You I turn to You Nothing matters anymore But what is true The truth is you are here The truth is you are near The world melts away Let it all disappear I close my eyes and I turn to You Though my heart is breaking Though these tears do fall Though my world's stopped spinning Though I've lost it all
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| Dreaming Tree by DMB |
[Jun. 24th, 2006|05:45 pm] |
If anyone can find a copy of this song and get it to me, I will forever be in your debt...
Standing here
The old man said to me,
"Long before these crowded streets
Here stood my dreaming tree."
Below it he would sit
For hours at a time
Now progress takes away
What forever took to find
And now he's falling hard
He feels the falling dark
How he longs to be
Beneath his dreaming tree
Conquered fear to climb
A moment froze in time
When the girl who first he kissed
Promised him she'd be his
Remembered mother's words
There beneath the tree
"No matter what the world
You'll always be my baby."
"Mommy come quick,
The dreaming tree has died."
The air is growing thick
A fear he cannot hide
The dreaming tree has died
Oh, have you no pity?
This thing I do
I do not deny it
All through this smile
As crooked as danger
I do not deny
I know in my mind
I would leave you now
If I had the strength to
I would leave you up
To your own devices
Will you not talk?
Can you take pity?
I don't ask much
But won't you speak, please?
From the start
She knew she had it made
Easy up 'til then
For sure she'd make the grade
Adorers came in hordes
To lay down in her wake
Gave it all she had
But treasures slowly fade
Now she's falling hard
Feels the fall of dark
How did this fall apart?
She drinks to fill it up
A smile of sweetest flowers
Wilted so and soured
Black tears stain the cheeks
That once were so admired
She thinks when she was small
There on her father's knee
How he had promised her,
"You'll always be my baby."
"Daddy come quick,
The dreaming tree has died
I can't find my way home
There is no place to hide
The dreaming tree has died."
Oh, if I had the strength to
I would leave you up
To your own devices
Will you not talk?
Can you take pity?
I don't ask much
But won't you speak, please?
Take me back, take me back, take me back...
Save me please. |
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| here with me |
[Jun. 14th, 2006|09:10 am] |
In my head I have dreams
I have visions of many thing
Questions longings in my mind
Pictures fill my head
I feel so trapped instead but
Trapped doesn't seem so bad
'Cause You are here
It doesn't mean anything
Without You here with me
And I can try to justify
But I still need You here with me
In my heart I had hope
Built on dreams I'll never know
Answers to love behind
Visions filled my head
I felt so trapped instead but
Trapped didn't seem so bad
'Cause you were near
I can't do anything without You
You give me strength to do anything
I can't be everything I try to
You saved me from the everything
I couldn't be
It doesn't mean anything
Without You here with me
'Cause after all is said and done
I still need You here with me
Need You here with me
I need You here with me |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2006|11:39 pm] |
what is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us?
-freddie mercury |
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| passion |
[Jun. 11th, 2006|11:04 pm] |
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As anyone who knows me would know, i am a very passionate person. There is a price to that thought that many pay. With that intensity, there comes a certain danger to those i get close to. you know that saying, " when you play with fire, you're bound to get burned"? Yeah, well passionate people are like that... I am very intense about whatever i do. I do not go into anything or pursue anything half-heartedly. There is rarely a gray area...there is rarely luke-warm feeling about anything. not many have this passion so when others experience it, it overwhelms them and sometimes ends up hurting in the end. What sucks is i am damn empathetic as well. I never want anyone to hurt especially at my hand. I feel terrible and hate myself even more than i usually do . Please dont mistake that that passion is ever insincere. That is not possible. there is no pseudo passion existence at least not in my case. Like i said no gray. Its there on fire or its not. The only level difference is possibly as it grows, like any fire. |
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| neurotica |
[Jun. 9th, 2006|02:22 pm] |
i am insane and i hate myself... if i care for someone, i unconsciously just break ties if it gets too serious to save them... from me. Because i hate myself
I hurt people. I am evil. I hurt myself. Because I hate myself
exactly how my subconscious takes over and changes my feelings, i dont know. Its a process. Flaws in a person start standing out. holes in their confidence start becoming apparent. All of this becomes my focus whenever they do or say anything. My mind starts playing tricks telling me that it was all just a game, a game i won. A game that is over. It is so fucked up. i hate myself |
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| life without addiction |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|01:32 pm] |
I sometimes wonder what life would be like if i had no addictions. Are there people that live that kind of life out there? Is that life even possible or existent? Those people allegedly living addiction-free lives, wouldn't they have some other kind of intangible or less apparent substitute. I just can't imagine life without crutches. I guess that is the mind of an addict, though...
I think if you have a so-called "addictive personality" it is just because you need to get out of your head more than the average person. Maybe this is because your thoughts are more intricate, or maybe it is just because you are more connected on different levels. Spiritual connectivity is the impetus to my hunger for numbness. My mind, pregnant with thoughts of life and its greater meaning, runs rampant...I need to get away from that sometimes. So I escape...through addiction...alter my mind...numb it and feel almost normal in those subdued minutes. |
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